This week one of my favorite authors, Simon Sinek posted a quote on LinkedIn that really caught my attention.
“True strength is the courage to ask for help.”
It’s an interesting statement that got me thinking, so I decided to do a little digging. Not being the type of person who typically asks for help until I’m absolutely drowning, I thought I’d see if this is a common entrepreneurial trait. I remember when I began my career in Corporate America, I was always the first person to volunteer for extra assignments. Perhaps I was born a workaholic, but I thrived on challenges and would take on whatever I could.
Back then, I would hear leaders complain about the lack of team collaboration. Sometimes companies would even pay for elaborate retreats to encourage team members to truly bond and cooperate more. But it got me thinking. When we interview someone, we like to think that we do a decent job of assessing not only their skills but whether they will be a good fit for our team. So if a leader later feels that their team isn’t collaborating, what happened after that newbie received their employee number? Did they suddenly decide not to try, or is something else going on?
I read an article in the Harvard Business Review stating that the “culprit isn’t their employees’ unwillingness to give others a hand–it’s the fact that most people don’t, or simply won’t, ask for help. They don’t ask for a couple of reasons. First, they may be afraid that they will seem weak or not as smart. Second, they may worry about what they then owe the person who helped them. And third, as Americans, our culture is wrapped around self-reliance. We actually pride ourselves on accomplishing something without asking for help.
The BNI organization was founded on several core values, but the most central of those is the concept of Giver’s Gain. It is the law of reciprocity. In social psychology, this principle states that when someone does something nice for you, at some deep-rooted level, we want to do something nice for them in return. In fact, the gain may be far greater than they give. And it’s bigger than that transaction of helping one person. Having a reputation for helping others, makes even people who haven’t been helped want to help you. That’s pretty darned powerful. According to Harvard, having an old reputation for helpfulness isn’t enough though, you need to help others on a regular basis to make it work.
But that still doesn’t deal with our issue of being reluctant to ask for help, even when we need it. The Stanford Graduate School of Business’s Frank Flynn and his colleagues conducted research that showed people underestimate by as much as 50% the likelihood that others would agree to a direct request for help. The lesson here is don’t assume the worst. People are more likely to help than you think they are. Plus, you never know who is in someone’s network. It may surprise you.
When it comes to your employees, while I’m all for getting your team together for a retreat, that won’t compensate for lack of cooperation unless you create a culture where asking for help is encouraged. Let your team know that you expect they will need help with their jobs. Go as far as connecting people in your company who you believe can help one another. When your team watches acts of asking and getting help happening, they’ll be more likely to ask themselves. Harvard also quoted a practice at Zingerman’s, a food company in Michigan, who has a wonderful tradition when inducting a new managing partner. During the induction meeting, each attendee is asked to state what they will do to help the new partner to be successful. By stating their commitment publicly, the partner will then find it easier to ask for help. I wonder what would happen if we did that with each new employee in our companies?
It’s easier to think about how we can encourage our employees to help one another than it is to get help ourselves. Oh you thought I wasn’t going to make this about you, didn’t you? No, I hadn’t forgotten! As entrepreneurs, we need more help than the average person to be successful. It isn’t because we’re any less talented, but it is because we have purposely tackled the hardest job in the world. We could have chosen to work for someone else, earn a steady paycheck, work according to our job description, and turn our minds off at the end of the day. But no, we chose to start a business. We feel the pressure of knowing that the decisions we make dictate whether our employees will be able to feed their families. We work around the clock. We sell our hearts out when we need more revenue. We fix broken processes. We are always “on”.
So here’s a little tough love, from one entrepreneur to another.
- People don’t know what you need unless you ask. Honestly, I think we women are particularly bad at this. “I’m fine” is so pervasive that it has become an often parodied metaphor for, “Oh my God I have way too much on my plate and I can’t believe you don’t see that and step in to help!”. But guys are guilty of it too. We think we shouldn’t have to ask. But we do.
- You won’t offend someone by asking. I’m Canadian by birth, and we tend to say sorry a lot. If we want to pass someone on the street, we say “sorry”. If we get in someone’s way, we say “sorry”. If we want to catch the attention of people talking so they can pass you the salt, you say “sorry”. It comes from being a British colony I think. The worst example I ever saw of this was when I was living in London. In the U.K. pedestrians and cyclists don’t have the right of way at crosswalks, which is a pretty scary concept. Anyway, I was in the back of a black cab that turned the corner and came so close to a cyclist he almost hit him. “Sorry mate!” the cyclist shouted, as he loudly bumped his hands off of the side of the cab to stop from being knocked over. Now that was an extreme. I don’t think I say it quite as often as I used to but it’s completely subconscious. So stop apologizing when you ask for help. Be respectful, and let the person know that you’ll understand if they can’t help you, but go ahead and ask your question.
- People aren’t great at inferring what you need. If you go on and on about a problem you’re facing and expect the other person to magically figure out what you need and how they can help you, you won’t end up getting what you want. Don’t make them guess. Figure out what you need, and ask for it. The worst they can say is no.
- According to Inc Magazine, it’s a good idea to let people know why you specifically sought them out for help. Share your observations as to why you think theirs is the help you need, without sounding like you’re buttering them up, and then be direct.
- Finally, and hopefully, you know this, don’t openly offer a favor for a favor. All that does is make you seem manipulative. You also deprive the helper of that great feeling they’ll get by doing something nice. Trust that the law of reciprocity will happen naturally.
We’re going through unprecedented times right now. Your business may be struggling, or it may be doing ok. Regardless, chances are there is something you’re concerned about and you could use some help. That help could be as simple as another set of neutral eyes on a business decision you’re trying to make. It could be an introduction that would really make a difference to your business. This week, I’d like to encourage you to think about the top 3 challenges your business is facing right now. Then think about the background and skills of the people in this room. Select a couple of people and schedule a call. Make it clear that you’re asking for help. I don’t know of anyone here who would refuse you.
Today I’d like to leave you with a quote from our former President, Barack Obama.
“Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new.”
If a past President can ask for help, so can you.